I sat silently and puffed away at my pipe trying to smoke away the reality of her death. But the smoke had little effect on my mind and none on the reality of my circumstances. When the smoke cleared, she was still dead.
Steven Leech, Poker Chips
Addiction plays a leading role in many prison stories. Substance and alcohol abuse, sex addiction, and gambling are numbing agents that meet the lost hope of generations of people. We have letters and companion pieces from writers who have struggled and fell; who wrestled with their demons; who have found clarity in sobriety; and who are brave enough to share their stories. NA and AA bring a circle of fellowship and support to prisoners. As a DOC-supported program, meetings are often organized and led by prisoners. The folks are given space to meet regularly with some autonomy which encourages participation. Many of our writers have earned certification in mentorship programs, particularly in recovery work. We see a shoulders-squared pride when folks describe their sobriety; the lifesaving choice they’ve made to feel all that life delivers, and to hold this opportunity for others.
Steven Leech encourages his younger self to find his strength: What is faith, but belief. So, we have belief in the hope that love will save us, and never doubt, because love will save you. So, hold on tight to the love in your heart. It is your light. Let your light shine.
Uriah: Letter to Younger Self by Uriah Vargas: Don’t worry though! I know how to help you. Focus on the positive things you do. While you’re young, take care of yourself physically, brush your teeth after every meal, a bright smile can boost your confidence. Shower every day, exercise, and eat right.
From Uriah Vargas’s second letter: This same year my reality shifted dramatically. I traveled by foot countless miles all my life through the streets of Klamath Falls, Oregon. Though now at this point, I suffered from paranoia of people wanting to end my life. Soon I began staying awake nights and hearing voices in my head tell me that I had to read the Bible in a night or they were going to kill me and my family. I was soon after diagnosed with schizophrenia.
Jazzy Jeff: Letter to Younger Self: Sports and barbeque were religion in my life. But my mother and her side are holy rollers, so Monday through Sunday church, except football for me. My dad’s side was sports, hard successful work, and criminals, drug lords, etc. So, I had a rage temper like my father … mostly my school life was fights.
Tweeking Like A Rock Star by Jazzy Jeff is dedicated to a friend who lost his life to his addiction:
This vicious cycle is a never ending,
And the pipe dreams, drain my life.
The more I hit my knees praying,
The more Satan, calls me out.
In a question to the folks in prison, Chris from Tillamook Youth Correctional Facility acknowledged that it wasn’t the bad influences of others that caused him difficulty, but the voice inside of him that he found difficult to rebuke. We shared the questions with people throughout the state during our last set of workshops, and we continue to an outpouring of clear-eyed encouragement from Deer Ridge in Madras to the far reaches of the state in the Solitary Housing Unit at Snake River. This strikes such a cord with so many of our participants.
Michael Stepina wrote: Your life is not ruined, everybody makes mistakes. All mistakes are forgivable. Even the ones we have to forgive ourselves for. To count yourself out before you even really start is to give power to self pity. Today is a new day everything is possible. Note, if one is aware, then one has power to say no. To want to say no is to say you want more from yourself than you are allowing yourself. This is where all great journeys of self-discovery and enlightenment start. You have the right to be happy. You have the right to be healthy. You have the right to find what you are looking for. You have the right to find joy and peace. You can do this in honorable ways. You only need to give yourself permission to see the beauty you possess in your story and stop feeling sorry for yourself. One of my brothers, a wise man, he says we are the author of our own stories. He means life is hard and it’s supposed to be. The ups and downs, the scrapes and bruises, they teach us strength and wisdom. We can choose to be champions of life or victims. You see a path of destruction behind you, maybe you think that’s your only option forward. But maybe if you stand sideways or even upside down, you might see a new perspective. Use your past to help others who are on the same destructive path. You now possess insight to teach or mentor others. They can say “conflict produced growth” maybe you can help yourself by helping others. Your voice will have experience in its words. Therefore, you can say no to the destruction for yourself! The only question left is, will you? Good luck on your journey young warrior.
Ricky Fay wrote: First of all, outstanding question! Your follow up statements indicate that you’re ready to take accountability and —maybe someday — be ready to offer amends to those you’ve hurt. That shows a tremendous amount of maturity. I don’t claim to have all the answers here, but it sounds like your actions might possibly be addiction driven and therein lies the possibility of recovery. 12-step programs share step #1 acknowledging to yourself that your behavior has become unmanageable and being willing to give over yourself to a higher power — even if that higher power is the small, still voice in your heart. Those follow up sentences are very impressive, and the fact that you’re not blaming others for your mistakes leads me to believe you’ve already begun, but I myself feel like 85% of the time, my social instincts are just wrong, so I empathize. I never had an ancient relative impart this knowledge, but it sounds like something one might say: You’re ultimately responsible for your own actions, but if you lie down with dogs, don’t be shocked if you wake up with fleas. Nobody goes through life alone. Most of all, remember it’s the journey that matters. Don’t expect to turn everything around in one day. Your story is important. Keep saving the world.
And the unique vision of OH!: “No” starts with telling yourself out loud “No!” Then you tell your hands “No” and pull them away from “it.” Telling your feet “No” and then making them walk in a different direction. And finally telling your body “No” by reminding it that you have already told your eyes, hands, and feet “No” because they belong to you, not to “it.” Then take a deep, deep breath and move on and away.
The desire to numb the pain of life makes Chris’s question relatable. The smokey, shadowy vision of an idea or a story I tell myself seems sound in my head — especially in the dark hours of the night — but this idea, this story needs to meet the friction of the real world. I process it in words with friends, I draw it, construct it, put it down in these posts. The mistakes I make, the missteps and the consequences are wrapped up in the very process of my desire to make sense of the world. And yes, the smoke in my eyes requires the clarity of a new day. | TDS