My life is better
I'm doing better
I'm feeling sane
people are the same
squatting on my brain
And I'm the one to blame.
I guess it's because I'm feeling guilt
on what they say, and how I'm built
I aspire to rely on self
and choose to change
give people help
‘cause I won't stay miserable
misery loves company
so I'll help the ones with me
who hate hate
who want a chance
so we'll choose to change
the world
and when it's time
it will be
peace before you (as in up ahead)
‘til next time
peace, love, respect.
***
LETTER TO YOUNGER SELF, PART TWO
I remember the year of 2025. I had earned my G.E.D. It had been 2 years since I had told my father’s family that I was going to seek employment and save money to move out at 18 years of my life. And now that I was graduated, I had yet to attain employment. I was still in my habits of drug addiction, walking the town, and being a third wheel, which at this point seemed like the only way to keep female company.
This same year my reality shifted dramatically. I traveled by foot countless miles all my life through the streets of Klamath Falls, Oregon. Though now at this point, I suffered from paranoia of people wanting to end my life. Soon I began staying awake nights and hearing voices in my head tell me that I had to read the Bible in a night or they were going to kill me and my family. I was soon after diagnosed with schizophrenia. Sometimes my family would worry so much about my mental state, that they would take leave time from work to spend time at my father’s place and emotionally coddle me.
Eventually I talked to my mental health provider and requested to go to a psychiatric facility out of town. When they asked why I wanted to leave town, I put it simply in terms I’ve learned over the years of treatment, that “I don’t feel safe.” Since I was mentally unstable and living at my father’s house, I needed him to be at the appointment. Upon asking him to attend, he asked me, “Are you sure you need to do this?” My response was simply, “Why not?” Finally, he expressed, “You’ve been doing this your whole life. Isn’t it time to change?” At that moment, I had realized my life had consisted of boy’s homes for behavioral health, mental health facilities, and psychiatric placements. I had lived the principle of “humans are creatures of habit,” and not really pushed myself to leave that safe space of “what I’ve always done.” I avoided the potential of becoming someone liberated of their past!
Fast forward 16+ years, I’m almost 29 and incarcerated in prison at Oregon State Penitentiary and still dealing with mental health. I’ve come to the realization this time, that in order to rehabilitate, I have to make changes. I’m practicing sobriety for the first time in my life as a serious lifestyle and considering applying for a pardon through the governor. Also, I have good people supporting me through the way. All in all, I can say it’s been a long journey that I no longer loathe with every step. I now walk towards change! | UV