My father has never seen a play ball
Is part of this. As if only a father’s witnessing
Evidences your existence; existential,If the only lesson of value is who shows up,
Even if with more things to be forgiven
Than time will number. My sons may never
Forgive me
Reginald Dwayne Betts, excerpt from Exhibiting Forgiveness
Last week’s post, The Open Door recounts our visit to Tillamook Youth Correctional Facility. As part of our youth outreach work, we brought handmade chapbooks filled with excerpts from the letters to a younger self produced by the men at Oregon State Penitentiary. We returned to OSP Wednesday delivering the initial responses and questions to our writers. Taking turns, we read Betts’ four-part poem Exhibiting Forgiveness to set the tone for our day’s work. It was a pleasure to describe the two workshops and sketch a picture of how the conversation unfolded slowly at Tillamook.
In our initial discussions of the youth outreach project, the writers spoke frankly about the things that didn’t work for them when they were younger. The men agreed that it was difficult to tell kids … uhm … anything and yet, it was well worth trying to reach even one person. They were concerned that there can be a tendency to glorify prison, particularly in households with an incarcerated family member. To address this, Joseph Bernard wrote part of the chapbook introduction: There’s nothing glorious about being in prison. Before anyone thinks it’s gangsta to be locked up, prison is what it is like to be outside of yourself looking in after you have died. At first it has a huge impact on so many people, especially your family. The pain is severe and powerful. People are immediately aware you are gone. They’ll come and visit you quite frequently, at first. But as time carries on, the visits become less frequent. The world goes on without you. People will think of you every so often in the past tense. While you are here all you have is time to remember how you wish you could change things. The helpless feeling of not being able to see landmarks in your family’s lives, unable to be there, and comfort them in times of change and trouble.
The men were touched by what they read from the Tillamook responders. They in turn spent our workshop time writing answers to a series of questions that we gathered.
HOW CAN YOU FIND LOVE FOR YOURSELF AND OTHERS WHEN IT IS HARD TO LOVE IN THE MOMENTS?
Travis Asbill responded to Matt’s question: Man … to love myself is the hardest. I have spent 23 years in prison living in a negative head space. I’ve spent 13 years in isolation. Eighty-six disciplinary reports. Bucking the system. All that isolation left me living in my mistakes. Having not love for myself or the world around me … In the last year, I started to make better choices and quit tryin’ to take on the world. I’ve noticed that since I’ve started to make healthy choices and started to care about the outcome of my life, I’m finding love in all kinds of places that I immaturely didn’t think existed or I thought were corny. I have not made any big changes but just little ones. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. Being of service to those around me. Trying to make the world a better place instead of fighting it, feels good in my soul. I know it’s corny, but love is way stronger than anger. We all make mistakes. It has taken me half of my life for me to give myself the opportunity for forgiveness. I’ve been so busy being mad at the choices I made to get me where I’m at it feels good to let that go and work on forgiveness.
Travis: A Younger You
by Travis Asbill
You will be a product of your environment and how you choose to see it. We all are. All of your self-inflicted wounds “like some sadist” will bleed you dry and leave you scarred. If only you would take all the pain life will give you and shape it into armor and breastplate to protect your heart from the treachery of a cold world.
HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO REALIZE THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IN YOUR FAMILY?
Le’Var Howard responded to Aaron’s question: Forever. It took me forever, so it would seem. But speaking to my father in the visiting room. Apologizing and hearing the joy in his voice, the words from him that said to me, “I recognize the change in you, I see you, and I’m proud of you…” is worth the time it took. My point to you is that life has plenty of pitfalls without you making your own. Steady the path. It is so rewarding to see or know the people who love you and see more in you; they can depend on your state of mind and value the work you put into your life. ‘Cus it is your life to live. They just want you to have the best of it. That’s what makes them proud to know their jobs as loved ones or parents are well done. Your great, do great things, make good choices. I appreciate you.
Grandmother’s Ring
by Le’Var Howard
She sat up in the living room of our small apartment, waiting all night playing with her purse. She knew her words were echoing in my head, that she had touched my heart, and I didn’t know what to do with my guilt. She also knew I couldn’t sleep without talking to her.
WHAT DID IT TAKE TO BE ABLE TO JUST WAIT FOR THOSE WHO ARE NOT READY TO BE READY IN ORDER TO HELP THEM? HOW CAN YOU NOT CARE UNTIL THEY CARE?
R. Miranda responded to Alaric’s question: At thirteen I left home because I was tired of getting beat for things I didn’t do. I wasn’t the trouble making, pot-head my father accused me of being. A week later, I got picked up by the cops and was placed in “Central Juvenile Hall” in Los Angeles. Since I refused to tell them who my parents were, or where they lived… I was made a ward of the court. The long story short, they would keep me in custody until I turn 18. Needless to say, I ran off every chance I got, but that’s not the point. Point is, begin in that environment and having to survive, I soon found that “acting” like the person my dad falsely accused me of being, made my life easier. I was popular so I lived the lie. I embraced what I hated being accused of being. In that way, I wasn’t ready for help, nor was I in any shape to help others. Likewise, no one is ready until they recognize the lie they are living and desire to change. Which most likely was started by constantly being accused of being that. I believe all people have value and given the right opportunity would choose to do good … and help others. So what can a person do? What can you do? Just be yourself.
R. Miranda: Open Letter to a Runaway
by R. Miranda
I am sorry I convinced you that running away was the best and only answer to the beatings and abuse you were suffering. I know that removing yourself from those situations “is” the only real solutions ... Although, I’ve learned that there are other, healthier, less damaging options to explore.
We end with this poem from R. Miranda written for Alaric.
I NEED NOT ASK
I am one who seeks knowledge
and openly welcomes wisdom
Yet, I have never asked
What does it take
for to do so
I can lose myself
In trying to be
what others perceive me to be.
Certainly an acorn
does not ask
how do I become an oak
It simply grows and becomes one
for that is what has always been.
So I too being wiser than an oak
Shall not ask but simply grow
and become that which I have always been. | RM