I remember the day as a kid when I changed for the worse. I had enough; I was broken in so many ways. I couldn’t handle one more beating!
As I lay on the floor with tears running my face, heart beating so hard it felt like a bass drum, the thoughts in my mind of my dad and stepmom waking me from my sleep by hitting me. The hate in their eyes when they looked at me was my breaking point.
With every tick of the clock, I felt my heart break, over and over again. I wanted the pain to stop, an end to the hate, my grip tightened as I held onto the cold steal of my dad’s .357. I envisioned them walking through the door and pulling the trigger, standing over them with the satisfaction of knowing they could never hurt me again. My dad wouldn’t be able to ever point that same gun at me, shoot at my feet, and turn my heart to stone every again.
I was awakened that night by my dad. I fell asleep waiting under the kitchen table for them to come home. With the .357 next to my hand, my dad pulled me from under the table and gave me the worst beating I’d ever have. Was I saved or awaken to my reality that I couldn’t escape?
Today I realize that I wanted to be loved, seen; not to be hurt. My dad took every ounce of fear out of me. As the beatings still came, I developed my laugh. After that night’s beating, I laughed at him every time he hit me. I laughed through every beating. Shortly after that night I joined a gang. I thought the love and acceptance was real. I found out the hard way that I was alone. Cold juvenile detention center walls, my cell, turned to multiple jail stays, and eventually prison.
I wasn’t free from the abuse. I traded one for another. I became worse than my dad. The hate in my heart prevented me from loving anybody else. My reality was shattered when my mother sent me some pictures and I didn’t recognize a couple people in one of the pictures. So I called her and asked who about the two girls in that picture? What she told me changed my life, she said “Mike, that’s your daughter and your niece.”
The change was slow, the battle in my mind, reputation, false values all surfaced. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be loved — the reality of sitting in prison and knowing I was so selfish. I deserted my family, my children to be the “man” and put fear into others for control, because I had the false reality of what a man really was.
I read the Bible from front to back and my life started to change. I started the process of forgiving my dad and stepmom. Most of all, I started to forgive myself. I started to see struggles as opportunities to do better and make positive choices.
I’ve spent the last 8 years rebuilding my relationships with my 4 children. I’m nothing like my dad. I am a part of my children’s lives. I love them. Redemptions is real, powerful, freeing.
To my younger self: don’t ever give up, fight for what is truly in your heart. Turn your pain into positive power, life’s pain is your testimony to help others. We are stronger together, you are worth it!
If I had one song to play right now that speaks truth it would be Ivory Scott’s Real. I can feel it when he says, “God don’t give me what I want, give me what I need.”
Dear Lord, thank you for protecting me, loving me and guiding me in your word. I ask that you continue to bless my life, protect my family. Thank you for giving me grace, compassion and, most of all, love. You fill the void in my heart, you console me and give me the chance to live in your light, thank you for saving me. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
I’m serving 10 years for aggravated attempted murder with a firearm. I eventually used a gun for false values and gang life. I decided to live for me, change my life, and be a role model in prison. I chose God and my family over everything. I’ve been in trouble since 1993. I’m 45 today.
I will start my life over at 48. I will finally go home after 28 years and be the dad and grandfather I’m supposed to be. It’s never too late or too soon to make the right choice. | MW
Incredible rawness here. The moment when you realized those photos were of your daughter and din't even recognize her must have been a brutal wake-up call. I've seen freinds go through similar reckonings where one image or conversation just flips everything. That shift from seeking control through fear to actually building real connection with your kids takes guts most people never find.