Younger Self,
There was a time in your life when you used to be a kid. I remember you were able to walk around, play with this and that, and you were able to talk to anyone freely. You did all of that comfortably. Then… one moment happened and you were sent to the Juvenile Detention Hall (JDH) to scare you straight.
The people there made you do things you did not want to do. Strangers. Knowing that the people you trusted most in the world were the ones that sent you to this place —where strangers are able to make you cry and tell you what to do by locking you in a room unless you do as they say.
You finally got out of JDH After a few long hours. Now after what you went through, you are no longer talking to those you trust. They did not talk to you to see what happened to you, or why it happened to you. The next few days your mother sends you to live with your dads’ family in another state where you do not know anybody. You barely know your dad.
From the time you go with your dad, until you are older, you still have not talked about what happened to you. People are telling you that you need to talk; yet you don’t know how to talk, or what you need to talk about. This affects your life in a major way later on when you learn the news that your favorite cousin died and then your dad has cirrhosis of the liver and will die if he continues to drink alcohol. There is not much that anybody could of said to you; they could have only shown you how to express and trust.
You end up having bad habits on top of bad habits — then add methamphetamine and other drugs on top of all that … you end up having what is called Meth Induced Psychosis. You used meth this one particular time and found yourself not being able to talk to the people around you. You became that little 9-year-old kid all over again at the age of 26, with all the dysfunctional ways of thinking that you learned along the way, all the war stories you ever heard, all the movies you ever watched … you ended up assuming a lot of things within a 24-hour period. You also went a step further and acted on some of your thoughts alone. You end up thinking that this innocent person was going to take your aunts life. You are not able to communicate anything to your aunt or anyone else. You don’t even know that you need to communicate to anybody and you take this man’s life. He was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.
I want you to know, I talked to your mother later on in a visiting room at the Oregon State Penitentiary (OSP). We F I N A L L Y talked about that moment when you were a kid. Your mom was then able say you were just a 9-year-old kid that was collecting things for the next hunting trip. You did nothing wrong, you didn’t deserve what happened to you. I am so sorry that you were so scared and crying and no one was there to tell you it was ok at that JDH. Your momma loves you so damn much, I promise you this. I know that she truly is sorry for how much you were hurt. I know that you are probably thinking, who am I, how do I know so much about you. Well little man, I am you! We are now 36 years old and are now 10 years in on a life sentence. We are living at OSP.
I am not going to tell you that your life will be easy. I have experienced a lot of pain and hurt in our life up to this point. The pain and hurt is something that never goes away, however the doctor always prescribes that we laugh, think, and cry throughout the day. We definitely have learned how to talk about things now which is why I decided to write you this letter to communicate with you. I love you so much, please just keep on talking freely and when you are feeling confused, SAY THAT. Oh and one more thing, I read your mom this letter today and she said to tell you “don’t let the little things define you.” I hope you understand what that means because I still don’t…hahaha. Goodnight, I love you and say your prayers. | MR