Editor’s note: This piece describes suicidal ideation.
Dear me,
This man told me a story about hanging a rope and noose in a tree in his backyard. Most of the tree was an above ground pool ladder. He said the rope was in that tree for a year before he actually used it.
He had to have a neck surgery as a result of the attempt. The surgeon fused vertebrates C3 through C7. This surgery was three years ago while he was incarcerated. He experienced a long recovery that was painful and miserable. During this process he made a decision to learn to play the guitar. He practiced one to three hours per day. Learning the chords and practicing focused his attention on creating. In a way it helped him with his recovery. since then, playing has become a source of self-expression and stress relief. He’s written songs and learned to play popular songs from memory. There have been times when I sat and listened to him practice. He sings and plays with a passion that is rarely seen in prison.
One day I asked him how the practicing was going and he admitted that he hadn’t been playing much over the past month. There was an elevated amount of stress outside these walls that concerned him. This had woken the voices and demons in his mind. They were worse at night when it was quiet and he was trying to relax. During the day he worked 8 hours with his hands and the activity kept the voices at bay.
He would experience thoughts of taking his life on a daily basis. Most of the time it was for brief moments that would easily fade away. Other times the voices would latch on and refuse to leave him alone. In those times his anxiety would elevate making it hard to breathe or concentrate. The feeling of helplessness was extreme.
There are very few people he actually called friend. He had difficulty with relationships, especially in prison. The loneliness prevented him from sharing his fears. Not a healthy place to be. I was lucky enough to be called his friend and together we did some creative coaching. I asked him deep and thought-provoking questions that he agreed to answer.
In his core he felt deeply. Those emotions show up and occupy his mind completely. So, we discussed his fears and ascertained that his biggest fear is dying. Sounds odd. Where does he turn for comfort, to feel safe and free of the greyness in his life?
His guitar.
He has had people tell him to be grateful for his life and what he has. Yet, this does not bring him peace. His hope is in the guitar. At first, he did not think that he found solace there. He chose to learn to play the guitar because prison offered him the time to practice. That was the initial drive. He practiced, joined a prison band and wrote songs. The more he played the better he felt. He challenged himself with progressively harder pieces. Joy came when the song flowed, his suicidal thoughts diminished the more creative he was.
The thoughts have not gone completely away. However, they no longer occupy the majority of his thoughts. Over the past few years people have complimented his playing offered words of encouragement. His sense of self-worth has grown stronger and he feels worthy of this life he has been given. His resolve to live has unconsciously grown stronger. He is driven to continue making progress.
He does not ignore his thoughts. He realizes that by remaining true to the raw emotions, he has allowed himself to continue on a path that leads away from ordinary values and towards a life filled with meaning that goes beyond the limitations of life and death. Over time he has learned how to embrace those feelings. He has gained a sense of clarity and confidence which allows him to help others in any way he can. This is what keeps those feelings from turning into despair. He now cherishes the gift of life.
As he became more sensitive, He realized that the true cause of his suffering was not out there in the world, but in the present moment of his mind. Having focused the answer to the question he has taken massive action. He doesn’t deny the insights that inspire those intense emotions in the first place. He has had time to reflect on them. He now stays with them when they show up. He understands they are a part of him. He acknowledges their existence. Through these actions he has gained a power over the helplessness he once felt. He now lives a life filled with generosity, virtue and reflection. These are what strengthened the qualities of the mind that bring inner peace and joy.
We all endure a wide range of emotions and circumstances while incarcerated. There are few places or times when one feels safe enough and trusts enough to share a piece of themselves. Prison isn’t always centered on hierarchies, gangs, hustles, etc. Sometimes one can find the space to self-reflect and a friend with whom to share the journey. There is ugliness in prison, however, when one chooses to focus on one good thing, then the universe pours energy into it and the energy starts to flow. There is good in this place. One only needs to do the work to find it. This man found a way to grow and he is better for it. | SE