Dear Self,
How are you? Where are you? Hidden away from a cruel world? Hiding from the over-bearing father? Uncertain of what you have to offer? What have I got to offer you? A lifetime of mistakes, surely. It is so easy to get caught up in those. The words not said. The opportunities missed. Maybe you have a few of your own.
The “errors in living” never go away, at least not for me. Maybe you already feel them. A wrong thing said to a friend as they stomp away in retreat for days. A fright for your life when the hot iron lies burns through your fragile arm to the bone at six months old. A feeling like you never should have been born, six weeks premature and frail, barely able to breathe. These things stick with you, creating isolated, detached self-identities that scold you, how you failed them, and seek to take control.
One thing I can say to you is learn to read. Learn to read well. Learn to read of heaven; safely tread through hell. Read of lofty flight, of worlds that might have been. For these are our creations; worlds that you, too, can create. Read of our fragmented selves in the book No Bad Parts – could it be true? A guide to befriending those isolated, detached self-identities back into a whole. A whole internal family of a loving, playful soul. And read of how traumas bury themselves to the bone in the book The Body Keeps the Score. Read of heavens sought for in silence through the sages of Contemplative Prayer – Father Thomas Merton, St. John of the Cross, Father Thomas Keating’s Intimacy with God". Read them and many more.
But God – what good is God? I know she has fled you so. The Bible stories in Sunday school you once were shuttled to, taken away long ago. As your family fragments; fights, terrifying to your young soul. Till you are cast out to strange waters in the boys’ boarding school. You would get to know depression, crying – where is God there to comfort the soul?
But I want you to know – God is there. He, She, They; Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. God is nothing, if not for you. So learn for yourself what God can do. Read what others say, what they believe, in the Bible, Bhagavad-Gita, Buddha’s teachings, and more. But the God you should find, the God you should mind, is the word written on your heart and in your soul. So befriend God in all that you do – saintly accomplishments lauded, or sinful sacrifice with friends of yore.
I know you will be adventurous and seek to find companionship in a culture of drugs and more. Will I tell you to stay away from them? Maybe I should, but how could I and not be a hypocrite like those that Jesus admonished long ago? I have to say I found wonderous things there, but beware – they can kill – mind, body, and soul. You lost your sister Barbie to them, this you should know.
Be true to yourself in all that you do – easy to say, isn’t it! But true, true, is what’s true for you. So don’t fool yourself. You ARE worthy, you are loved, and you will be loved for so much more. More than just how you can please, what others want you for.
So in tragedy, or comedy, in flight or in fight, be alive. Feel life. That is what life is for. You will climb lofty mountains, ski back-country galore. And in the peaks you will find God – try to share this with many more. I know you are hurt. I know that you fear. Fear contact, fear others, fear what you might do. But that fear, that fear, that fear is a lie. A fear that wants you to die. Don’t do it!
Don’t listen. Crowd out the lie by living the oh! that much more. You can live a great life. You can find love. You can create a family that is so much more – than you were given.
Keep on fighting, fight through it. Create – it’s your gift. Invest in it, invest in others, invest in knowing yourself. Invest in God, in eternity – the rewards are here and now. In solitude find compassion and recharge yourself for more. But send it out. Keep sharing your gift. Don’t secrete it to a hidden store. You were made for life. You were made for living. God knows what you were made for, enjoy the travels, made all the better in sharing. Share what you have in store.
Arevaderchi, a biento, bon voyage, ciao, au revoir as you go. Until we meet again my friend, in my prayers I will love you so.
"But the God you should find, the God you should mind, is the word written on your heart and in your soul." Amen.