THE DARKNESS IN BEAUTY
THE DARKNESS IN BEAUTY
BY MARIEL BROOKE MCCUISTON
Beauty is often our demise at a very young age — no matter whether we grow-up rich or poor. At a very young age, I was groomed to “always look your best.” I was taught early to apply make-up. I was told to always wear my hair long, have manicures, pedicures, all the girly stuff. I started in gymnastics early, then modeling, and cheerleading. I was supposed to feel beautiful. What one thought would bring self-confidence, often brought the opposite, and began a very dark path for me.
I was raised by a single mom, and the various maids we had were there more for her. When she was around, there was a constant revolving door of boyfriends. I was about ten years old when I first remember hushed comments being made to me by the opposite sex. I am not sure anybody else noticed. I accepted this knowing it was wrong and not having confidence in my voice. By the time I was 12 years old, the stares lingered longer than they should have. I started hanging out with an older crowd and became promiscuous. In my teens, I started to drink, smoke, experience anorexia, and have thoughts of suicide. My self-esteem was shattered. I craved love in any form. I legally married a month before my 15th birthday. I hoped this would solve my aching need so I would not follow in my mom’s footsteps. This led to heartache and years of a toxic relationship with my first love.
I craved acceptance and the yearning to have the “happily ever after.” This only led to more years of trauma and agony. My confidence by this point was up in flames and burn-ing slowly, but I had too much pride to ask for help. I kept so many skeletons in my closet and faked the truth in front of loved ones. Not wanting to accept the inevitable, for 12 years I allowed this to continue. Finally, I realized that if I did not leave I would not make it out alive. At some point, through all of this, I grasped I had to love myself first before I could accept love. Trying to understand that beauty runs deeper inside than what is on the outside.
I have a daughter now who is 12 years old and is in gymnastics, track, and has done some modeling, too. I am very open with her about my past and could not fathom her experiencing what I have at her age. I try and see the positivity in what I experienced. I do not have any regrets; this has molded me into who I am today. The stigma of beauty has surrounded us for many ages. I hope to be able to give my daughter the self-confidence that comes with her beauty to always love herself first. | MBM
MARIEL BROOKE MCCUISTON WAS BORN IN PORTLAND, OREGON. A SELF-PROCLAIMED “NAVY BRAT,” SHE WAS CONSTANTLY RELOCATING DURING HER CHILDHOOD. SINCE CHILDHOOD, SHE HAS JOURNALED IN HER DIARY AND DABBLED IN POETRY IT WAS HER ONLY POSITIVE RELEASE.
