Mitchell,
There is, no doubt, numerous questions you’re hoping will be answered in this letter from your future self. I will not, however, be answering them because you will generate anything to justify or glorify the degeneracy your current path is leading to. Instead, I am going to give you a couple of pieces of advice from wisdom enriched through the pain and suffering that your current mindset will induce.
A difficult to accept, but veritably important lesson to understand is this: Nobody is going to save you. Nobody and nothing is going to satisfy the void. Trust that counting on someone or something to make you happy will only drive you further into suffering. I’m aware the whole world appears to be crashing down around you and it has been for years. You are falling with nothing to fall onto; there is no bottom, just abyss. Ropes appearing to promise salvation from the hopeless pit of your life and mind metamorphose to snakes or snap when you grasp them. This only deepens the despair of that pit. Nobody is going to save you and thing that it is everyone’s job to help you to give you “a place to belong” is digging that pit deeper, darker, and colder. If you want to get out of the pit, you must get yourself out.
You are stronger than you know. I only burden your ears with that cliché because when it gets hard, you must know, it is possible to get out of the pit. The difficulties you face will make the beginning of the story that you write for yourself. The time of letting others write your story in exchange for temporary comfort has ended. Do not pity yourself or wallow. Do not let the pain and suffering supply you with excuses to remain stagnant. Drinking, drugs, adrenaline, romance, or devil-may-car attitude is not excused by the abuse you suffer. All it ever is/was and all it ever should be is stuff that happened to you. None of it makes you anything. It doesn’t make you weak, or dumb, or worthless, useless, or hopeless. Only you can make you. So please, find a counselor. Tell them what you are going through. Do the work to climb out of the pit and make the choice to fine true happiness that is sourced from the radiance inside you.
Sincerely,
Your true self