lo kh’loom

BY ALBERT WRIGHT

Depression has ever been a friend these past years. Regardless of what I did I couldn't remove it from my side. At times I embraced, other times I fought. I disregarded others and myself. Suicide thoughts were present ... thoughts that everyone else would be better off without me played a continuous loop. Only by writing about my experiences have l been able to connect to my feelings.
Sharing my writings provided survival.

Tormented. Isolated. Alone.
Insane. Segregated. Trapped.

Is it me ... is it imagined?

Shame. Guilt. Void.
Apathetic. Stoic. Numb.
Is this what I've become?

What to do? What to say?
Nothing ... it's okay ...

Can't shake. Can't let go.
Release. Refuse to embrace.
This nightmare I'm in today.
Stop and breathe, give way.

Anxiety. Depression. Suicide.
Carefree. Joyous. Unstoppable.
Two sides of one coin...

I sit here thinking of my life ... my experiences, my stories ... and I wonder, at times, how I survived. My mind tries to grasp but it's ever fleeting as the wind. Over and over again yields the same results — depression sets in ...

The shame. The guilt ... of what my life has become is ever present these days. I joke to make light of my situation. Yet, alone in the cell I break and cry. The harm and hurt of others ... explode inside. I ask myself, ''Why? How could I be so blind and dumb?''

“Where did my friends … Ethics, Morals, and Values
… run to?”

And, as I ask these questions over and over again ... the
weight becomes heavier, the burden deepens ... the heart beats faster ... pain explodes inside. I go numb tonight as
the hurt breaks me this time.

I read a lot … I search and see. I problem solve and enjoy helping others. In these past
few years of being imprisoned, I search for myself only to come up short. There
was no purpose or meaning I lived for. I had become … existing, nothing else. I tried to
find purpose in others … and, don’t get me wrong, I have tons of purpose found in
others … there’s no meaning for me. I tried to find purpose in achievements and
attaining goals … here also, don’t get me wrong since I do a few things here and
there … but there’s no meaning for me.

Broken. Contrite. Scattered.
Down. Remorseful Dispersed.
It is me … here I am.

Light. Introspective. Deep.
Uplifting. Infinite. Expansive.
This is what’s become of me.

Don’t fight. Surrender all.
Survive … one step at a time …

Stop and look. Be open-minded.
Imagine. Rebuild from the shards.
This hope I have today.
Stop and breathe. Give way.

Peace. Calm. Life.
Dread. Appalled. Death.
Two sides of one coin …

I sit here still thinking of my life ... my experiences, my stories ... and I wonder, at times, how I became so blessed and protected. My mind reels as each passing memory adds to the uniqueness of me. Over and over again I yield a wider expanse — humility sets in ...

The opportunities. The service ... of what my life has been given is present. I give thanks because of my situation. And, within prison I become whole and cry. The harm and hurt of others ... forgiveness resides. I ask myself, ''How? Why was I chosen to bear this light?''

“I found my friends ... Wisdom, Understanding, and Knowledge
... standing at my side.”

And, as they give thoughts to those questions of mine... the weight lifted... the burden put down, the heart reset.... tranquility abounds inside. I wake up tonight as the hurt heals this time.

What I have come to find out about myself, though, is the reason why I was so lost ... so numb … depressed, a life unfulfilled … was that I couldn’t see what made my life live. I had missed the mark of my life. This is my life waiting for me when I walk out of these walls for the last time.

In the meantime, I do have much to complete ... personal goals in a journey yet
uncharted. A blessed life I've led to date ... a blessed life is yet to come. May I ever
remember all the goodness those who have crossed or shared my path have given ... l
am blessed beyond measure.

flexible yet unyielding
meek and humble
lowly

I walk through the door and covering the lintel ...
Laugh! Love! Live! | AW

ALBERT WRIGHT HAS WRITTEN THROUGHOUT HIS LIFE, THOUGH MOST WAS EITHER FOR SCHOOL OR CAREER. TODAY, HE WRITES TO EXPRESS HIMSELF AND TO FIGURE OUT WHO HE IS, WHAT HE WANTS TO BECOME. IT ALLOWS HIM TO HEAL AND HOPEFULLY HELP OTHERS.