A lot of us are many miles from our kids, hours, states and even countries away from our loved ones. Some are fortunate enough to live in the same city, but the feeling of separation and distance still lingers in the heart of all of us who sleep behind these walls and in the hearts of our loved ones.
Some of us are able to call, have video visits, send letters, and some are not. They say that there are people that see the glass half full and others that see it half empty. It might be hard to focus on and see it half full when we can’t even contact our kids/loved ones but there are a few things we can do. That is the intention of this lesson/song/writing.
A friend of mine had a great idea. He could not get a hold of his kids when his ex-wife married someone else, so what he is doing is writing letters in a journal. Every time he thinks about his kids or dreams about them, he’ll write it in the journal. He shares when something exiting happens in his life and when he struggles and when he misses them. His hope is that one day, his kids will read his letters. If/when he reconnects with them, the journal will mean a lot more to them than the words “I always thought about you.” And it’s something that can be read again anytime, even years after he’s gone.
Some of us can make phone calls and have video visits but sometimes struggle to connect a little deeper over the phone. A friend of mine taught me the meaning of the word homeostasis. It pretty much means that people gravitate toward others that think or talk similarly and to other like-minded people. So the goal here is connect more is to find out what our kids like and dive into the topic, ask questions. Most people just want to be understood but we don’t put the effort to understand others. Ask open ended questions like “tell me about your day” instead of “how was your day?” I felt like I was pulling teeth trying to get my daughter to talk more. So, we played a game over the phone. Every time I asked her a question I was “throwing the ball” at her and she had to throw it back with her own question. After we “played,” I explained to her that when you want to carry on a conversation with someone, that’s how we “keep the ball rolling.” That was over two years ago and to this day if she asks something and I don’t open the conversation more she will tell me, “Dad, you got the ball.”
She loves singing but not in front of everyone. I asked her to go to a good hiding spot (she went to her closet) and we sang our favorite song together, Love by Keyshia Cole. Now we sing it regardless of who’s around. People will look at me all weird because I’m singing a love song on the phone and I could care less.
On Christmas, I schedule a video visit and have my mom set me up (on screen) against the wall. I’m just there and once in awhile they’ll come over and show me something they got, and we’ll share the excitement. On Thanksgiving I do a mailout and send chips and cheeze squeeze and we have nachos. On birthdays, I send a rack of cookies, and we have cookies and milk. Another thing we do is listen to music together on the phone. She will show me one new song, and I’ll show her a throwback from back in my day. Some days the conversation is nothing more than “I just wanted to tell you I love you and have a good night.” From time to time I’ll send a photo home or a random card for no reason, and she says she enjoys them. She has kept every single thing I’ve sent home over the years.
I ask from time to time, “what can I do to be a better dad?” or “what can I do to remind you that I love you?” or “what would you rather have, a 5 minute phone call or a letter and a picture?” or “would you rather have one video visit a month and less phone call time or no video visit but extra phone time?” My kids love video visits, so less phone was better for them, and we have one video visit each month. My son is a gamer so I ask him if he can show me any new games he’s playing. He usually gets super excited explaining how to level up and the upgrades he’s gotten, and it ends up being 28-minutes of watching him play video games and explaining something I don’t understand but I match his energy, and we bond over that. My daughter is into soccer and singing like me. We have a broader variety of topic, but lately she’s been showing me the latest Tic Tok dances and gets a good laugh watching her old man trying to do them.
There are many thing we can try to connect to our kids/loved ones. We have to think harder and put forth more effort — buy less at canteen and call more often. Even if most of the conversations aren’t super deep, there might/will be a day when they are having a rough day and you won’t miss that opportunity to be there for them. No matter how hard we try there are days where we feel useless as a parent and feel that we’ve let them down by being here. Seeing my daughter and son grow from two months old and one year old to 12 and 13 years old while in prison — I can say from experience that the ups and downs are inevitable. Just know the downs will pass and try to cherish the ups. Even if we are far from our kids, the little things you do will keep you close at heart. | LR