IN MY STUDY
BY LE'VAR HOWARD
In my study, I have begun reading material that speaks on four ways to make amends. I find it difficult to process. I worry my efforts will not be enough. Not accepted. But on my journey to recover from shame and guilt and heinous acts, my anger, my rage is as consistent as the unknown of life. Creation is how men of means pray. Giving one's gift to a weak people is how we worship. The pain I take into myself as a creator, is that I cannot choose who my blessings are gifted to, who is entertained by my prayer, my attempts to share and make peace. All are welcome to my story. But because I'm the offender, I have no people but the people who choose me. Who these people are, is it.
This leaves me with a feeling of emptiness — of separation. I stand apart because my connection to these people, my people, though intimate, is only a common ground of understanding still opposite. In belief. Therefore, I am alone, but not independently moving forward. The unknown has not been kind to me. My gift, my prayers, have also cursed me. The known experience is my torture by design. My power is independent thinking, and honesty. I have no fear to move on. | LH