I AM A SURVIVOR
I have recently survived an experience that opened my mind immensely to a different way of thinking. I do not have to take another person’s life today. My family has always been my number one priority. I grew up so closely with my family to where, no matter what, we were always there for each other — even through dysfunction. As far as I can remember, it has always felt natural to go above and beyond for my family. Even if that meant I "had" to take another person’s life. I have always thought that's what a warrior does. Now I have another option, thanks to some good people that I chose to open to and furthermore, I chose to be open to their feedback.
For me, the best warrior that I can be is one who is there for family helping them repair themselves from the horrific and painful harms have been imposed upon them through generational trauma. I always thought that "protecting" my family was using physical violence. This result is I am serving a life sentence on those beliefs alone. This did not protect my family; it only protected MY pride.
I thought I only had two options, to "protect" my family or be a "coward." I can now see another option. I don't have to take another person’s life. If I was out in the streets and my sister had come to me and told me that she had been harmed (whether it be beat up, kidnapped or let’s say even raped) I have the option to say, “OK, Sis stay here I'll be back, I will go take care of this.” If I go and take someone’s life, or get my life taken by death or prison, my sister is now left alone. Now, she must repair herself without me. She was already harmed before she came to me, so I’m not protecting her by harming another. Avenging her was supposed to make me feel better. This was my way of thinking before I realized something more about myself. That, if truth be told, revenge would not make me feel worse because by coming to prison, I would not be living to my full potential to care for family.
I never imagined if she was hurt, I should stay with her and help her become more resilient and use NO violence at all. Now take this further, and I learn that my sister’s life was taken. I could go and avenge my family and take the life that took my sisters. However, after much thinking, I am already in prison because I took a man’s life that I "thought" was going to take my aunt’s life and come to find out he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Therefore, I cannot be there for my family the way I want to, so why would I do it again?! Instead, I'd rather just be there to help pick up the pieces. My mother, nieces, nephews, sisters, grandma, and many more of the people whose lives she touched are still alive. They still need help to repair. I would rather be a warrior who emotionally supports my family in person, than the warrior I am still learning to be who lives inside this penitentiary.
-Aho Nanook-ga sa-amoks-
