EDITOR’S NOTE: This letter mentions traumatic events including sexual violence.
Hello there, young lady.
I know grief from the loss of our childhood consumes us. I know things are hard right now and you feel like no one cares. But we survived our childhood one step at a time. Surprisingly, we overcame most of it. We have been through so many things. Dad shot that guy and we were covered in blood. You don’t get over that. You just learn to deal with the memory. We found out that Santa wasn’t real and got beat bad by Grandma.
I know you feel sad and unwanted. You still feel that way now. But you have some really good friends who make you feel wanted and needed. Make more time for your dad when he comes back around. He saved your life and did seven years, when he shot that guy. Which is the same amount of time you’re doing right now. You are not the only one hurting. Your brothers and sister are hurting as well so try to love on them more. We are very self-conscious about the things we have done. Your sister is hurting really bad and needs you. Everyone in the family are some type of broken. Try to forgive them for yourself, then for them.
Rejection consumes our mind. I know this is really hard to believe, but Mom loves you. She does try to kill you at fourteen, but you make it. Don’t let the kids in the group home get to you. They’re just kids. Mom was on drugs and drinking. She is very broken because of her mom. You’re going to have to go through some really traumatic moments. But you make it. I know we just want to matter to someone. All the violent abuse and sexual abuse makes it really hard to feel like you matter. But you do!
I know it’s hard to understand but you don’t want to change a thing. Because even though we’re beaten on and raped most of our life, forced to eat dog biscuits and cold hot dogs to survive. Everything that happens makes us who we are today. Which you’re a pretty good person who cares a lot about other people and your sweet son is your whole life!
Mom gets you to start drinking at twelve years old because your stepdad doesn’t drink. That’s when our addiction to alcohol starts. She beats us till we can’t go to school for a week many times. We don’t do good in school till she is removed from our lives — for trying to kill us. We manage to graduate high school early. We make the mistake of moving back in with Mom and Brian. But that mistake gave us a son that steals our heart.
I would tell you how to avoid going to prison, not to get beat all the time, being raped many times. But these bad things we have done and have been done to us made us who we are. Even in prison. Prison saves our life and gives us our safe, good home to grow up in.
Don’t ever forget to smile. We have a beautiful smile that makes people happy. Just because you feel like you don’t matter and no one loves you doesn’t mean you can’t love yourself. You will always matter to yourself and that’s what truly matters. | BV