
The most formidable thing I've done in life is strive to teach my son how to grow as a young man while I'm locked away in prison. Each day there are new obstacles: bullies at school, saying what you mean and meaning what you say, why playing with fire is dangerous. As he grows, so do I. The gray hairs gradually take over my once full black beard. My son goes from a skinny bag of bone to a tall slender handsome young man. Meanwhile, I'm beating myself up for not being by his side 24/7.
I wonder how much of an impact I still have. This doubt is all in my head, I think of when he was an infant sleeping peacefully on my chest, our breathing synchronized like Olympic swimmers. Now, we're 2000 miles away. I'm wishing I could tuck him in bed at night.
I've failed him most of all. I've failed us both in so many ways. I'm ashamed of my choices focusing on myself and not truly understanding how my actions affect not only me, but those who I love and who care for me.
When I started to own up to my imprint, I knew I wanted more in life. Self-determination was an understatement. In that moment, I planned to move forward striving to improve what I had tragically tarnished. I could visualize the emotional scars as they increased upon myself and others.
With dire eagerness to repair, I realized I didn't have a doctrine or a way to obtain the proper equipment to treat the wounds … or do I? As I ponder, I call upon God for answers, asking for my burdens to be mine alone in exchange for knowledge.
I wanted to fix this pain before it's too late, the clock was ticking. After hearing the same quote over and over "Walter, humble yourself," I was still lost, not understanding how me being humble would help with repairing of the walls I had previously broken. Days after, I found myself in hope of a sign but all I got was more grief and even more obstacles. Never was I willing to change or study myself, I continuously pushed everyone else to change. After numerous failed attempts, something finally struck me hard; all this time I was not fully claiming responsibility of my own actions. I was pointing the finger everywhere but towards myself.
It wasn't until I started sharing the hurt of others that I was able to understand their pain and suffering. I couldn't believe I had been the person who caused this emotional distress. Sadly, when you're the reason someone you love is hurting, it's one of the worst feelings in the world.
After seeing the damage, I had caused, I was humiliated. I had to live others’ truths to understand their pain. While making this kind of analysis, it was possible to gain a new insight into my own overall issue. Now I refuse to blame others for my poor actions. I was shamelessly stuck in my ways of thinking, I was complacent and deceived by my own arrogance, unfortunately. Father, son, uncle, husband and friend. I hope that one day I'm worth those titles again. | WT
Great insight.