A CONNECTION WORTH REDEEMING
BY WALTER THOMAS
#1
The most formidable thing I’ve done in life is strive to teach my son how to grow as a young man while I’m locked away in prison. Each day there are new obstacles: bullies at school, saying what you mean and meaning what you say, why playing with fire is dangerous. As he grows, so do I. The gray hairs gradually take over my once full black beard. My son went from a short skinny bag of bones to a tall slender handsome young man. Meanwhile, I’m beating myself up for not being by his side 24/7. Often times I wonder how much of an impact I still have. This doubt is all in my head, I think of when he was an infant sleeping peacefully on my chest, our breathing synchronized like Olympic swimmers. Now, we’re 2000 miles away. I’m wishing I could tuck him in bed at night. I’ve failed him most of all. I’ve failed us in so many ways, I’m ashamed of my choices focusing on myself and not truly understanding how my actions affect not only me, but those who I love and who care for me.
#2
As I started to notice the imprint I’ve left behind, I want more in life. Self-determination is an understatement, as I move forward striving to improve what I have tragically tarnished. The emotional scars are increasingly visible on myself and others. With this eagerness to repair, I’ve realized I don’t have a doctrine or a way to obtain the proper equipment to treat wounds. As I ponder, I call upon God for answers, asking for my burdens to be mine alone in exchange for knowledge. I want to fix this pain before it’s too late. After hearing the same quote “Walter, humble yourself,” I was still lost, not understanding how me being humble would help with the repairing of the walls I had previously broken. Each day I found myself in hope of a sign all get was grief and more obstacles. I was never willing to change pushing everyone else to change after numerous failed attempts. Something struck me hard; all of this time I was not claiming responsibility fully of my own actions.
#3
Until I started sharing the hurt of others, I was unable to understand their pain and suffering. I couldn’t believe I was the person who caused this emotional distress. When you’re the reason someone you love is hurting, it’s one of the worst feelings ever. After seeing the damage, I had to live their truths. While making this kind of analysis, it was possible to gain new insight into the overall issue. No more blaming others. I was shamelessly stuck in my ways, complacent, and deceptive to my own arrogance. Father, son, uncle, husband and friend. I hope that one day I’m worth those titles again. | WT
Walter, your writing touched me this morning. You have succeeded in "putting yourself on the page." I am also a writer and seek to do this. You have openly shared your struggles and regrets while not asking for anything from the reader other than their attention. The honesty of this piece encourages me to keep trying. Thanks.